I've thought about this well and it took me a while to come to a decision.
I was thinking about that afternoon when all four of us were sitting by the stairs. We were just sitting there, hanging out. As friends.
I was thinking of how much it made me miss it.
You know, when I was still getting over you, there was this constant feeling of
I felt hollow.
And I badly needed somebody.
The feeling was different from a heart ache.
A heart ache stings.
But Loneliness haunts.
When I finally got over you, I was clinging onto any possible chance of someone liking me.
Because I didn't want to feel that loneliness ever again.
But then things happened.
And now I have to make a choice.
Before, I thought that you were the one who was pressuring me to choose because you were always saying sorry and making me feel bad because you were saying that you had no chance because you hurt me before a lot.
And then when you said you were gonna give way. I didn't want you to because I didn't want to miss out on what could have had before.
Because now we have this second chance.
But now I realize
that I was actually pressuring myself.
There was this one part of me that kept prompting me to choose.
Because that one part was traumatized.
It never wanted to feel that loneliness I used to feel.
I was being selfish, in a way.
And I apologize for that.
I love you guys.
And nothing else in the world matters to me than our friendship.
It might sound something completely beneath what you guys call "love."
But at the end of the day, you know that friendship always stays.
I'm not choosing anyone.
I'd rather be alone and feel that loneliness.
Because now I realize that I was never alone.
I had you guys.
And now I know that I always will.
That way, the loneliness wouldn't be there anymore.
I'll always be here.
If you need to talk to me
as a friend.
as a sister.
Or even a lover.
Nothing's gonna change.
And that's the way it should be.
And who knows? Maybe one day we can sit on those stairs again and be satisfied with that atmosphere of complication's absence.