Why do I still love you, Rebekah?
Despite the fact that we havent spoken in 2 years and despite all of the literal hell you put me through, I still love you with every ounce of my being. I miss you more than words could ever express and desperately want you more than I could ever explain.
You were everything and everyone to me. Since the day we first met there never was anyone else that existed in my world other than you. You became the very center of my world and the sole possessor of my heart. You were my sunshine, my light, my very essence. I lived but for only the moments when I got to look upon you and see that smile I so loved on your face....for the times that I got to touch you and kiss you. Those were the very apex of happiness and joy.
Since you left, however, I have not lived a day...I have only merely existed in this empty and heart broken shell. It took me over 9 months to finally accept the fact that you were never coming back.... To accept that I did not mean anything of value to you.....to realize that I had to salvage the reminisce of my remaining life and try to move on.
I have since come to realize in the time we have been apart that my heart is only capable of producing a finite quantity of love in my lifetime. That love, once committed, is irrevocably assigned in the direction given and can never be redirected towards anyone else. It caused me a great deal of sadness to realize that I will never be truly happy again in my life and that I will die missing, wanting, and longing you.
It took so long to figure out ways in which I could function again. I had to create rules in which I had to follow so that I could try to not be in a persistently miserable state of being for my remaining years. While I will never be happy again, I figured that I can at least manage to not be horridly miserable. I thought that if given enough time, I could find some way to exist without you....but even after 3 years, I still only see your face when I close my eyes. I still use you as the litmus test of which I judge all other potential girlfriends....and they all come up lacking in major ways.
There are times that I wish that I never met you. There are times that I think that my life would be better if you had never been in it. But, I know that is a lie. I would have never known love if it were not for you. I would have never truly known what it meant to completely, irrevocably, and unconditionally love another person
So, even though you crushed me utterly and completely and I have accepted the fact that I will never recover, I am glad and grateful for every second we did have together.
I will love you until the day I draw my final breath. God, how I wish that were enough for you.