Dad, the words I could never say to your face

are I love you, I miss you and I wish you could say the same. for twenty years now all I have wanted was acceptance and love from you. when you left mum it hurt and upset me but that was something many kids have over come, its not a major, well at the time it was but I am over THAT at least. what I am not over is that SPITEFUL bitch you decided to start a relationship with after mum. I am not saying Mum was an innocent party or that she is even an angel but compared to Barbara she is.
Ever since I was eight years old I have felt shut out of your life. yes, I would come to visit on the fortnightly weekend but it was like I was staying with someone elses family, not with my dad.
when I was a kid though, things weren't that bad, you would take me out and spend time with me and it was good, I felt ok with things but then you moved away when I was 13.
living in New Zealand its not that big a place, when I got caught up in the P epidemic and decided I wanted out because the only other way out was to shack up with my ex boyfriend who I no longer cared for, I decided to come and see you so that we could work on the years we had lost. I was 21 at the time.
I came down to Dunedin and things seemed good until barbara started over ruling what happened in my life.
When my house got axe attacked you said "Stay there, nothing more is going to happen" under her saying and do you know what? he came back at 8am to get us.
when I hooked up with Juan, she didnt like him and banned him from your house for no apparent reason, that is why we blamed you for being a racist because the only reason we could fathom that she was being that way was because he is half black! you guys accused him of beating me and disrespecting me, even stealing off me which was all bullshit.
then when I got pregnant, yes you let me stay, but it wasnt for a helpful reason was it? you wanted to take my little boy. then when he came out he wasnt respected as your grandson, you already have YOUR grandson, dont you? yeah, her grandchildren are your only grandkids ae Graeme.
I wish I could say every little thing that was pissing me off about how you treated me but it all just seems so miniscule and lame here, with no meaning.
if you guys didn't treat me like shit for no reason and turn your back then why do I cry every day? what is so wrong with me that made you hate me? it seems like everywhere I turn people just turn away and I haven't done anything, you just don't want to know.
I am sorry I am "anna" and not "matthew". I am sorry I was never your little boy, if I could magically grow a penis and become matthew for your happiness then I would have long ago.
I knew you wanted a boy and not me, I knew that for a long long time, even when I was a kid, you dont know that but I do.
I have so much hurt inside me over this and I hate you but you are my dad and I want your love and acceptance. if I wasn't hurt about this then why are tears streaming down my face right now?
why did you have to defend her every single time and let things slide instead of sticking up for me just once.
I have contemplated suicide over this, I wouldn't do it now that I am a mum, I love my little boy too much to ever do that, but when you know that you have disappointed your parents by just being yourself, its pretty heart breaking.
I am sorry for being me.