I don't know

I don't know where to start. I loved you a very long time, but recently you crossed some borders, you went too far. But still I don't want to break up. I don't know why, or maybe I do. I still care and don't want to hurt you but I can't seem to force myself in giving you that attention that you need and ask for. Things aren't going great between us, I hope it will change...
Maybe it will not, but I can't break up, I won't, because then my mother will say "I told you so" I would hate that. And I'll be the looser again, the one who can't keep a boyfriend, the one who always breaks up, who breaks the other persons heart.... Again doing this, I can't, I don't want, but deep inside, I know that we're not meant to be.
I'm afraid that I will never be able to have a serious long lasting relationship. I'm afraid to give up my freedom, that a relationship will prevent me going after my dreams, that it will kill my freedom....

Love you Ali,
I really do