i want to...but i don't think i can.

i don't quite know how to do this.

i'm unsure of how to deal with the news. i mean, i know it's the past, and that's where it belongs...but it's hard to let go. i don't want to seem like a looney, but this is so difficult for me right now. i am glad, though, that it only came out now. i think that if i found out any earlier, it would be an even harder pill to swallow. i'm pretty confident in our relationship now...that nothing can ruin it. but there's still so much going on in my head. i haven't stopped thinking about it...and i can't. i just don't know. it's so hard. i want to let it go. i really do. and i'm sorry that i can't right now.

...i know it's not fair to you to be doing this to you. you don't deserve any of this nonsense, but it's just so hard to handle. i know this is going to take some time for me to get over it...if i'm even capable of doing that. i don't mean to put you through all of this. i don't mean to be so overly emotional over something that really shouldn't matter.

this is hard to say, but i don't know if i can be where she has been. it hurts so bad to know that she's been everywhere. i thought that i had my own space...that it was something i didn't have to share. that i had somewhere special. i know it's not a competition, and it never was, but i lost. she got it all before me. and it sucks.

i know i need to just let it all go, but it's like a disease or something that i just can't escape. she has a hold on me for some reason...and i don't even really know her. i don't know what's wrong with me. i don't know why i waste so much time thinking about it all. i know it's ruining me. and i know that this just hurts me more, but it's hard not to.

i kind of feel like running and hiding from it all. ...from everything that's happened.

why can't i just let it all go?

i want to, but i don't think i can. least not any time soon.